He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
