I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
