So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Randomize
