I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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