his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
