You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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