I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
