Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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