the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
