She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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