well I can't set my house on fire every night
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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