I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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