so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
