I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
