I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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