You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
