Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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