First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
