Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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