I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you win again, gameday.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
