a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
