You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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