I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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