Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
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