Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
