I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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