My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Randomize
