Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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