Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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