I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
