Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
