Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
