well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I am naked and annoyed.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
