so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My brain says no but my pants say off.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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