i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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