The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
