If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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