My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
