a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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