what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
