he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
