On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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