I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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