I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Randomize
