Well douche your snatch and let's go!
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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