i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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