When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
