i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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