So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
