I smell stomach acid.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
