the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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