Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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