He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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