my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
