are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize
