On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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