Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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