my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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