i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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