I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
