Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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