You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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