Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
