I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
