I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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