I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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