He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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