M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
