i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize