Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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